Hanging on by my fingernails.

Three more days until break.
Kids are bonkers this week. We expected this. We haven't been doing a whole heck of a lot in the way of teaching. A little, but not a lot.

I keep trying to remember all the not-yelling things I can do to get them to listen. The problem is that I do them, and they quiet down for the length of time it takes for them all to be paying attention, and then as soon as I start to give instructions they start talking again.

I am also going crazy on the subject of name-calling. "He called me a _________" is an almost constant refrain. I am starting to wish I had a fifteen-cornered classroom so I could put them all in their own little corners, away from everyone else, and they could just NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER. However, the room is how the room is.

Tomorrow morning there will be masking tape on the floor, showing where the desks should be. They move them around almost constantly during the day, and wind up bumping into each other, or smashing someone's fingers, or running their chairs into the desks, or what have you. Masking tape. Maybe even masking tape covered by packing tape, except that would probably pull up the finish on the floor. I shall have to ask the teacher across the hall for suggestions about this (or if anyone would notice, on my already-messed-up floor, if a little finish got pulled up.)

They have transferred Victim Girl out of my class and into the third grade downstairs. Intellectually, I realize this is a positive thing: I have a lot of crazies in my class, who were fighting with her ALL THE TIME, and it's unacceptable to have a child too afraid to come to school. On a gut level, however, I am having difficulty not feeling like this is my fault, like I should have done X and Y and Z differently so that these girls would not beat up on her. Sigh.

And of course, what this means now is that the classes are EXTREMELY unbalanced. The teacher downstairs has -- I think -- eight more kids than I do. I wonder if they'll do anything about this, or if I'll just have a teeny-weeny class, at least until someone moves into the catchment.

I keep hearing, in the back of my mind: "If I'm having so much difficulty with this small a class, what am I going to do when I have 25?" What if I'd gotten the (ridiculously huge) fifth grade instead of the third? Augh.

I am losing my mind.

Well I know I miss more than hit
With a face that was launched to sink
An' I seldom feel the bright relief
It's been the worst day since yesterday.

Well, I have finally cried at school. I was wondering how long it would take.

Two of my kids got suspended today. They were beating up another one of my girls (henceforth Victim Girl: she's got more baggage than is allowed on airplanes, and gets picked on ALL THE TIME) in the bathroom. One of the perpetrators doesn't surprise me, sad to say, but with regard to the other one I'm just floored. I'd sent Victim Girl to the bathroom with her (we will call her Apparently-not-so-good Girl) on the assumption -- heretofore well borne out -- that VG would be safe with her. The other one went with a partner later on, after I'd seen VG and ANSGG seemingly leaving the bathroom. I guess they went back in. (We will, of course, be completely overhauling the bathroom procedures. We will now be wasting 20 minutes of instructional time every afternoon while I stand out in the hallway and police their little butts.)

So the reading teacher/vice principal yelled at me -- out of frustration with them as much as anything, I think -- in the hall outside the nurse's office where they were keeping the involved kids, and I just lost it. The growth teacher got me to a classroom where I could sob in private for a few minutes, and a couple of teachers who saw me were very comforting (in intention if not necessarily in wording). We talked about a few strategies -- among other things, they said to take tomorrow off from teaching to do some community-building and atmosphere-resetting activities with the kids -- and they sent me home. I've been crying off and on ever since.

I'm losing my mind. I say it every day, with varying levels of playfulness in my voice, but it's never any less true. These kids are insane. I can't control them and it's making me feel like a failure. (What doesn't help is other teachers saying things like "I don't understand. These are normally such good kids." There are probably ways to understand that which are not "You are a failure as a teacher," but I'm having trouble finding them.)

And it would be one thing if I were going this crazy with 30 kids, or even 25. But I've got less than 20. LESS THAN 20 FUCK KIDS AND I CAN'T CONTROL THEM. Why did I think I could be a teacher again?

Mom (with whom I cried on the phone again for an hour once I got home) says to write down the good things and not just the bad ones. So I will note that journals in the morning are going well. I've taken to playing classical iTunes radio while they're writing, which calms me down even if it doesn't calm them down. (of course, occasionally it plays things like the William Tell Overture, which of course is less than helpful. I ought to bring in some of my own CDs...) This morning it was playing a Strauss waltz, so I started doing little waltz steps while they were journaling. They thought this was hilarious, even more so when I grabbed the girl who had come up behind me to ask me a question and waltzed her around for a minute before depositing her back in her chair.

Homework is also working, amazingly. They don't all do it all the time, but most of them do at least something every night.

And with that, it's bedtime. P has put on soothing music, so I shall attempt to sleep. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.

bleah.

I can feel myself getting meaner. Stretched thinner. More willing to yell. Afternoons are just impossible. I can't get them to sit quietly. I can't get them to listen. What's the line from Taylor Mali? "By 2:00 their blood sugar is so low they don't have the energy to do anything but beat each other up and scream." Two of my good girls got in an argument today -- or rather, one said something flippant which the other took personally -- and so I had two crying girls on top of the usual list of yelling girls, crazy boys, and general apathy and lunacy. I wonder what would happen if I started teaching math in the morning. I wonder if such a revolutionary course of action is permitted.

I can't seem to get the kids organized in any sort of effective way. The number of my kids that can't sit next to other kids (or will be obnoxious if they do) is ridiculous. The number who would prefer to sit alone makes up approximately the rest of the class. Everyone tells me to have them in groups, but I'd spend so much time stamping out brush fires if I did that I'd never get any teaching done. Maybe I just have to spend a while stamping out brush fires.

I get the feeling that I need to be more consistent about card-turning, or maybe just stricter. More of my kids should be sending notes home, maybe that would have an effect. (The funny thing is, all the strictness and yelling and arguments during the day doesn't stop them from giving me hugs and writing essays about how I am a wise person [prompt was to write about a wise person] and the best teacher ever. It almost makes me feel guilty for all the evil thoughts I think about them. Almost.)

I'm just so TIRED of all this. It's starting to spill over into the rest of my life as well. P and I had a lovely big argument over the weekend about approximately nothing. I'm not eating particularly well. I'm just so TIRED all the time.

(Incidentally, writing this one a zillion-year-old iMac at work is really obnoxious. I keep writing a sentence and a half, making a typo, and then having to wait two minutes for the text on the screen to catch up with what I've written. I miss my laptop. Hopefully I'll be able to get it fixed soon.)

Spent two hours this afternoon making posters and things so that when the school district does its walk through next week we'll have all the appropriate things on the walls. Really makes me wish I had more wall space... or at least walls with paint that tape can adhere to. Where I am supposed to put all this crap I am sure I don't know.

But at any rate, I do not intend to spend any more time in this building today. Off to call Attitude Girl's mom, and then head home. Spinning, tea, and maybe an audiobook on my iPod. Sounds about right to me.

evidence

While cleaning out my coat closet just now (yes, I am cleaning out my coat closet instead of doing grades, which should surprise exactly no one) I discovered the missing piece to what I hadn't fully realized was a puzzle.

See, two weeks ago, the counselor sent home an invitation to Pinball Boy's father to come in for a meeting -- one via Pinball Boy, and one via metered mail. The day of the conference, Pinball Boy's father called to say that he had just that morning received the notice by mail, and that this wasn't sufficient notice, and could we reschedule for this week? Obviously, we did. (He then failed to show up this week at the rescheduled conference because he thought it was on Thursday instead of Wednesday. The apple, apparently, falleth not far from the tree.)

Now, all through the preceding week, Pinball Boy had been asking could he go see the counselor, because "his dad" wanted to know why he had to come in for a meeting, and what it was about, and all this stuff. Having been well schooled in the wily ways of parents, I thought nothing of this contradictory state of affairs until ten minutes ago, when I found myself digging in a crate half-buried behind a box of paper, in which I found, halfway down and obviously planted there, the envelope addressed to "the parents of Pinball Boy." (His coat hook is on the opposite side of the closet.) Heh heh heh.

So, there's one more bit of evidence (in addition to my copious anecdotal records and math tests and spelling tests) for the meeting which (I hope) will take place next Wednesday.

I really want to like this boy. He's an engaging kid, and he's got a good sense of humor, but the fact that I am apparently one of the only teachers in the school who has any trouble with him dampens my affection, I have to admit. I don't like being the only one defeated by him. (and of course, if I were to ask any of these other teachers to come in and observe, Heisenberg would spoil everything for me. Hidden cameras, maybe...?)

In any case, evening engagements call. Plus, I've been in this building (again) for almost thirteen hours today. Yech. Time to gather a big stack of grade-able papers and be on my way.

*breath*

(First off, hello to my parents, who requested a link.)

This week is so much better than last week. I don't think this has anything to do with the kids themselves -- one girl (the same one as usual) got suspended on Monday for the passing of graphic and violent notes, my two crazy boys (turn-into-mush boy and Pinball Machine Boy -- I think I'll start calling him Pinball in this context) are still completely nuts, and the rest of them are as obnoxious as ever. But Thanksgiving was restful and rejuvenating.

Even if I did scare a few of my relatives with my response to "so how's teaching going?" which was basically to smile brightly (not -quite- maniacally) and announce "I hate it! It's terrible!" Heh heh.

Been having two kids per day up this week to help me with various projects -- two on Monday to help cut out paper squares for math, and two each yesterday and today to clean out various closets. I am ALMOST finished getting the previous tenants' stuff out (I'm dealing with layers of detritus here. I almost feel like an archaeologist). Today I found a crate full of first-grade science textbooks, including the teacher's edition. Apparently they've been looking for it since September.

Instituted incentive pads on their desks, with a smily-face for each day ended on a green card (as opposed to the yellow warning card, the orange first-consequence card, and the red note-home card.) At five smilies, they get a small treat (piece of candy, pencil, eraser, etc.) and at a whole page full they get a big treat (fun lunch with me, free homework pass, some other things I've yet to think of.) It's kind of depressing how few kids wind up with a green card every day. It's also kind of depressing how much I have to bribe them to behave themselves. (Not that it works for all of them. Maybe once they see the incentive sheets in action?) On the bright side, this is a cumulative reward system, so everyone has the hope of getting it at least once, as opposed to Fun Friday, which some of my kids are basically never going to achieve. Sigh. I don't like school-wide behavior systems, or at least not this one.

Four phone calls home tonight. One to attempt to reschedule a conference, one to try to find a note home that the child did not return, one to make contact about a missed conference for Pinball Boy (hopefully next week) and one for turn-into-mush boy that I've been meaning to make for almost a week. Did not call Note Girl's mother, even though I meant to, because I forgot to bring her phone number home. I'll try to call her at lunch tomorrow.

Not at all sure what to do with Note Girl. She's very angry about a bunch of things, and I'm having trouble getting through. Hopefully they can get her into CATCH, which is a school-based therapy program. She needs to talk things out with SOMEONE.

Basically, I just wish my room were larger. If I could actually separate my students, there might be fewer disruptions. But as it stands, I can only get them maybe four feet from each other, which is nowhere near far enough. And enough of them have interactive problems that the calculus of room-arrangement is REALLY difficult.

Also, grades are due at the end of this week. I have nowhere NEAR enough done on that (nor do I have a whole heck of a lot of work, but I'll do what I can.) I also need to submit two writing samples by Friday afternoon. Guess what we'll be doing tomorrow and the next day...


Just realized that i left my phone at home and P is probably trying to call me. (on top of everything else, my computer is dead, again. This time, under somewhat suspicious circumstances. Sigh.) Off I go.

Today's Lesson: Identify yourself immediately when calling parents.

Otherwise they think you're a bill collector and won't talk to you.

today was utterly lousy.
yesterday morning was all right. we did Common Nouns and Proper Nouns, (i have yet to follow up; maybe tomorrow?), and again I let them get up and wander around collecting nouns. I think we'll make a list tomorrow, put it up on chart paper next to our list of measurements. If I can get them to sit still long enough.

The note passing thing in my classroom is getting out of hand. Two of the worst offenders (girls, of course, one of previous note-passing notoriety) today passed each other a note (intercepted and handed to me by a third girl) saying, essentially, "I'm gonna fuck that b*tch up," and "I'm right there with you." Since they both got in a good deal of trouble today, I can only assume they meant me. Unfortunately for one of them, she has distinctive handwriting. The counselor will be hearing about this, oh dear me yes.

I need to find a way to make these lessons engaging. The more reading they have to sit and do, the less I can keep them focused. Unfortunately, a good portion of the science curriculum is based on reading a textbook, and I have yet to figure out how to get them to do the experiments without collapsing into chaos. They won't work in groups, they fight all the time... ARGH.

I'm starting to really feel badly for A, one of the few good boys in my class. He's pretty smart (possibly gifted), obviously bored, and utterly fed up with the shenanigans of his classmates. He's the substitute on the job board this week, which meant that today he was both line leader and librarian. He actually sorted the books according to my baskets, did a quick, neat, and careful job, and went back to his seat when he was done. When the other line leader lost his job, he came immediately to the front, saying "excuse me" the whole way, and stood quietly. I need to call his parents and tell them how much I love him.

I'm trying to decide whether to allow him to sit alone, or at least to switch his desk to another team. He asks me every day if he can move his desk. The problem of course -- well, there are two problems, which have their own sub-problems. One, if I let him move his desk everyone else immediately wants to move theirs. Two, anywhere else I could put him will have an equal Shenanigans quotient as he's dealing with now. I'd love to put the quiet kids together, but of course if I did that the obnoxious ones would also be together. And obnoxiousness, as we all know, increases geometrically as the proximity to other obnoxiousness increases.

Sigh.

What I really need to do is just put the other boy at his table at his own island. That would probably solve a whole bunch of problems -- if, of course, I could get him to go without destroying things on the way.

Argh, argh, argh.

It's almost 11, and I'm still kind of sick. (That's been the other fun part of this week.) off to sleep with me.

Utter Fstarking Lunacy+3-day weekend= almost sane again.

Friday was insane. Thursday was actually worse, being the instigator of the drama, but Friday was the aftermath, so while it wasn't as painful it was more involved and took longer.
Basically, I discovered a note in one of my students' desks that was incriminatingly sexual. (I'm not proud of how I discovered it. I can't let my anger impair my judgment like that.) Basically, Boy touched Girl inappropriately, Girl wrote him a note about it, and over its multiple back-and-forths wound up asking if he would like to "do it" to her.
ARGH.
Now, fortunately, the author of this note was not the girl in my class who actually has been a victim of sexual abuse (although she was sitting near him in my class for a while, so I am currently praying as hard as I can that Boy did not spread his efforts around). However, this only means that The Icing on the Cake has not been applied.
Of course, when I found this note (Thursday) the counselor was unavailable. I mentioned it to Upstairs Friendly Teacher (see previous note) who said that it would be OK to let it go until Friday, when Counselor would be available again, but to take care of it first thing in the morning. Obviously, I did -- I was not eager to have this thing burning a hole in my desk drawer any longer than necessary.
So, it got dealt with, over the course of the entire damn day. Boy flipped out, of course (I mean, he's eight) and was basically done for the rest of the day. Girl gets on my nerves anyway... Suffice to say, obnoxious day all around.
Best part was when the father of Boy shows up after school (innocuously -- looking for Boy's hat) and Counselor has gone home, so I get to go hunting for the principal and tell him what's up myself. Gah, gah, GAH.
Good part of Friday was math. They're doing a unit on measurement, and after having them do some seat work with their rulers on one-inch measurements, I allowed them to get up and walk around to do one-foot measurements. They had a good time, they didn't get in fights, and afterward we had a nice list of measurements. (I had to do the one-yard measurements, because we only have one yardstick. I think, upon reflection, that this is not necessarily a bad thing.) I wish I had more wall space for putting these things up in the classroom. My kingdom for a chart-paper holder. :P (More things for the DonorsChoose shopping list!) Hopefully the rest of the unit will provide more opportunities for moving around.
I need to incorporate more moving around into my lessons in general. It seems that they can focus on one thing but for so long while seated. Also need to start doing guided reading. I'd like to organize my morning literacy block like Mr. Byrd did -- four activities a day, in 20-minute segments -- so we'll see if I can work that out. Guided reading, journals, trophies, and somethingelsebutwhat? Grammar? Spelling?
Trying to get all my lesson plans for the week done today, between fending off a head cold and just generally wanting to go back to bed. At least it's a four-day week... and I'm almost done with literacy plans.
All I really want is one 8-hour day in which to go in to school and organize. Everyone else got those at the beginning of the year, why can't I have one?

Today's solitary bright spot

The 8th grade teacher upstairs has taken me under her wing. I was beginning to despair of anything remotely resembling a mentor.

Other than that... Today was a day when I need someone to remind me why I'm doing this.

Distraction

I keep starting posts and not finishing them.
Haven't written in my paper journal in a while either. Writing is helpful, but finding the energy is hard. (Plus I always have a grillion other things I need to be doing.)

Called K₂'s dad tonight, re: helping him cope with classmates ragging on him without turning into a flaming fireball of shouting and/or weeping. Emphasized that he wasn't in trouble, but that I was concerned and wanted to help him be successful. We'll see how that went over in the morning, I guess.

Three prep periods today, and two tomorrow. Today two of them were for grade group/CSAP meetings (CSAP is basically where you troubleshoot problem kids), but I cannot figure out why I have two tomorrow. Weird as it sounds, I would actually like to have time to do some TEACHING once in a while... :P

Frustration

Professional development day today, since it was election day and the schools are polling places. Instead of being able to get more work done in my classroom (organizing my desk, cleaning out the closets, labeling/sorting more books for the library), I spent the ENTIRE DAY in a "new teacher orientation." I suppose it makes sense to do it on a professional development day, since all the teachers are free, but I needed the time at least as much to get the classroom organized... and honestly, it's information I could have used BEFORE I got started, rather than over a week into things when I've already started to develop a routine. Guh.

They're really insistent about this whole "school behavior plan" thing, and I still don't like it.

On a brighter note, because I should catalog those too

K had a seriously fantastic day. He had to turn his card once this morning, but buckled down to the point that I allowed him to turn it back before lunchtime. There is an empty desk near his, and I mentioned -- almost in passing -- this morning that if he needed a break, that was where he should sit. Later in the morning, I noticed that he had moved over there, and asked if he was taking a break. He nodded (about all one can really expect) and after about 5 minutes, I suggested that he move back to his desk and get to work, which he did. He had no trouble with his math test in the afternoon, actually managed NOT to be one of the kids who got into the general fistfight at recess, and got his spelling homework done before some of the kids had even copied the homework assignment. I need to dig up his phone number from off my desk and call his grandmother tonight to let her know how fabulous a day he had. (I mean, he'll probably be off the wall again on Wednesday. But one day at a time.)

It's probably premature to think I've Got A Handle on K, but the next issue will be K₂, who is more generalizedly bonkers, and I think just needs more activity in his day, not to mention constructive outlets for vocal expression. (He has the potential to grow up to be a really fabulous hip hop beatboxer, if I can only find a way for him to develop the talent without driving me up a wall.) I wonder if I can prescribe laps around the recess yard afer lunch....

Laryngitis. Oh, lovely.

We knew it was coming. I got just enough rest over the weekend for my body to believe it could afford to get sick, but not quite enough to either (a) get all the way sick or (b) get over it. So I've got a sore throat, and sixteen shouty kids. Bleah.
My desk is still a mess. Maybe I'll get to spend some time tomorrow organizing things -- at least I won't be so crazy exhausted at 3:15 that I can't get anything done.
The teacher who used to have the 3/4 split gave me the wrong teacher's edition for the next set of literacy story-segments. I didn't notice until the end of the day when they wanted to know what the spelling words were. O_o For a worksheet they shouldn't have been getting for several months, they did remarkably well... And of course all my work from the weekend on the train is wasted (or at least everything related to literacy). One more thing to do tomorrow.
I bet I'm the only damn one in the school at 7am tomorrow. But there's just too much to do.

Today's fun quandary is: How do you get kids to not hit back when their parents tell them that hitting back is not only OK, but it's what they SHOULD do? How do you keep recess conflicts from escalating while allowing the kids to save face and not look like wusses?
Anyone?

Sigh.

Forgot to do my paper journal today, so this will have to do double duty.
Day after Halloween was not as horrific as I'd been afraid. Dylan was out again (second time this week) and several of the kids were sluggish and/or not feeling terribly well, but all in all not a bad day.
I'm feeling badly about keeping them in their desks all day, but am unsure what to do about it at this juncture. They're not even settled down enough for working in pairs, as we demonstrated with the science experiment we tried to do today and Tuesday. Noisy, yelling, not sharing, out of their seats... Frustrating. I want to get their desks in groups, but I have no idea how to do it. So many of my kids are just explosive with each other. Maybe I just need to steel myself for sending home lots of notes for a couple of weeks, and put them wherever I can. It almost feels like setting them up for failure... but on the other hand, the current arrangement is not going to work forever. And they are going to have to learn to work with each other, or at least near each other.

I'm at a loss for what to do about K, the boy I was writing about yesterday. He seems to have some emotional problems, and I'm having trouble finding a balance between expecting more of him than he's capable of providing and letting him get away with things. Sometimes he can take correction gracefully, and sometimes he just shuts down, and I can't get him to say a word. Sometimes he won't even nod his head. Fortunately his old teacher is across the hall... but I can't keep calling her out of her classroom every time he shuts down on me. I need to talk to her in the morning and see if she has some ideas for managing him.

Going to DC this weekend for my dad's concert. taking the business-class train, so as to have space to spread out and do my lesson plans. Looking forward to getting them done over the weekend, so that I only have to tweak them during the week rather than writing the whole damn things every night. I didn't have any choice this week, but hopefully I'll never have to do it again. >_<

*exhale*

Much easier time today. I just need to keep reminding myself that they're getting into the routines just like I am, and it's going to be a little rough sometimes.
Apparently we're figuring out rounding. I still don't feel like I'm explaining it horribly well, but honestly it's something they should have learned before. >_< And some of them are on top of it.

This one boy is really getting to me. He's pretty smart -- can read pretty well, and knows his math thus far -- but apparently has a horrendous home life and acts up ALL THE TIME. I can appreciate that he's got it rough, and I try to give him positive feedback whenever I can, but I can't not correct him when he acts out, and it just makes him sullen and sluggish. I suppose I ought to be content with the fact that his behavior means he won't get to participate in Fun Friday, since he'll be doing all the work he didn't do during the week, but it's still frustrating. I also suspect that he stole a pencil sharpener top from the girl who sits behind him, although he denies it and I obviously can't prove anything. Sigh.

Off to do more lesson plans (yay math! the next lesson is at least pretty straightforward, so I can be reasonably confident that we'll get through it. If they can't add by third grade, we have bigger problems than I thought we had.) and possibly to go to Target. I need to buy some games for Fun Friday.

Well, I wouldn't say the other shoe quite dropped, but we, er... settled in a little bit? The lesson for today is that having specials immediately after lunch is a bad, bad, bad idea. When all the playground they have is an asphalt lot, there's nothing for them to do but get in fights with each other, and they need a good 20 minutes of quiet time after lunch to calm down and get their brains back in order. Having specials immediately pretty much ensures that the ones who are hyped up will stay hyped up, and the afternoon will be much more difficult.

Also, math is obnoxious. I was going to teach a lesson on estimating two- and three-digit numbers today, but that got stalled when it became obvious that half of the kids don't know how to round, thus making the "doing something with rounded numbers" thing a little premature. The other half are on top of it, but the half that don't get it REALLY don't get it. I'll have to talk to the other teacher tomorrow to see if she has any suggestions. I'm contemplating just starting the unit over again.

(at this point i got in a heated venting session with a couple of guys at the Satellite. nice cathartic end to a frustrating day.)

Survived the first day. Considering what I observed with the sub last week, the kids were remarkably well behaved. So much so that I'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. No sense in that, though. Assume they're good kids, assume they want to do the right thing, and you'll be proven right. That's the theory, anyway.
Lots to say -- I certainly rambled on for two pages in my paper teaching journal -- but for now it's after 11pm and I need to go to bed. I'll outline the math lesson in the morning.

This Subscriber is Not Receiving Calls at This Time

There is nothing I hate more than calling people I don't know. So the fact that I couldn't reach eight of the sixteen parents I just tried to call could be viewed as a mixed blessing, I suppose. ;P I'll ask the kids for updated phone numbers on Monday, but who knows how much good it will do. If the kids got picked up by their parents like they do when they're younger, that would be one thing. (It would also be one thing if I knew all the big siblings and cousins who are in the upper grades.) But as it is, argh!

Especially argh because of the discipline system I want to use. I'm a big fan of the card system - the kids each get an index card, with green and yellow stickers on one side and orange and red stickers on the other. If the green sticker is showing, that means behavior is good. Yellow is a warning, orange is a consequence (loss of recess, for example) and red is supposed to be a phone call home. Keeps discipline insular (ie, not involving the administration, who are likely busy anyway), clean slate every day, etc. etc. etc. But if I can't reach the parents? Blah. Maybe I could write notes home. I need to get me some of those "from the teacher" postcards one of my co-op teachers had.

Have basically spent the last 36 hours setting up my classroom. I was in the building by 7am yesterday and didn't leave until 7pm. Today was shopping, tomorrow will be making charts and other fun things, and Monday is it. O_o I'm so tired I can't see straight. There will be early bedtimes for the foreseeable future, I think.

Back again, with a bang.

Spent the summer depressed, largely. Didn't get any of the German jobs I applied for, my car died, substitute teaching was obnoxious, I basically suffered a crisis of faith. I all but ran out of money before the school distric sent me a letter last Wednesday, saying that I should come in on Tuesday to select a position.
After a weekend of utter insanity, coffee, and spreadsheets, I went on Tuesday to pick a school. I managed to get one in my top 5, about which I had been a bit nervous since I wasn't in the first group that day to choose. However, they'd sent a representative, and -- possibly more important -- they had a grade level I wanted (3rd). So I went with it.

Went in to have a look around today. Met the principal, who strikes me as a floral-print outside with a core of steel (about what you want, really), and she introduced me round to all the teachers. I then spent about an hour in my classroom-to-be, taking a few notes and making lists of things I need (Oh, my G/god(s), EVERYTHING). I'll be back in tomorrow for more observation, and probably more list-making. I'm not sure whether to start bringing stuff in yet or not. There isn't much in the classroom, but what there is seems largely to belong to someone else. Maybe I'll bring my plants, at least -- they're pretty obviously mine. And who knows when the person whose office my classroom used to be will get the rest of her stuff out. O_o

The major bright side to this assignment is that I've only got 16 kids. I didn't get a chance to get too much of a feel for them yet, but they seem like nice kids. None of them seem like they'll be too difficult to deal with, and whatever bad habits they've developed over the last couple of weeks don't seem to be too terrible. There's one who's a bit scattered, and one who seems a bit sullen, but hopefully once they've actually got a settled routine things will be easier.

So for the moment, I need to keep making a list of things I need, and work on a letter to the parents introducing myself. I'm trying to think about management things... guess it's time to dig out my master's books.

"The teachers who burn out are the ones who spend a lot of time reacting to the bureaucratic garbage. So if you have a passion for teaching, you just can't let that stuff get in the way."
-Some video we're watching in seminar. Kind of hit me over the head with a sledgehammer.

Funny where the lifelines come from.

Catch-up and existential angst

It's been almost two months. There have been things to post about in the meanwhile, but I seem to have hit a dry spot, both here and in my personal journal. To catch things up, in the briefest way possible: I'm done with Saturday academy, I've done my two-week student teaching classroom takeover, and there's about a month left until I'm done with my teaching internship. Graduation is May 12.

I'm currently trying to decide whether I will apply to teach in the School District of Philadelphia. I certainly began this program with that intention, but I've gotten progressively less certain as I've gone on. This leaves me with something of a dilemma, and a bit of a guilt complex. Is it selfish of me not to teach urban children because they make me tired? If I do teach in an urban school, and then get burned out and quit, would that be worse than not trying it at all? Is deciding to try to teach in a suburban district for a couple of years until I feel more sure of myself and then trying an urban district a cop-out? If you can't tell, I've spent a large portion of the last two months struggling with this. One way out (which might also be a cop out, but oh well) might be to try to get a job as a German teacher -- these would be suburban positions by default, since the only school in Philadelphia that has a German program would be Masterman, and there's no way a first year teacher is getting a job there. I've actually sent in a couple resumes for German positions, and will probably send more. Ahh cover letters, how I hate thee..

I'm also, as always, feeling like a bit of an odd duck as a teacher. Sometimes this is just differences, sometimes it's a feeling that I'm not up to the standards of the other teachers, that they're judging me and finding me wanting. I wish I could get past the idea that most of the teachers at the school I'm currently working at who know me don't like me. However, there it is, and all I can really do about it is do my best, learn from my mistakes, and try to keep myself out of negative situations. I ate lunch with the other teachers for the first two months, but stopped around the time I did my two weeks "because I had plans to work on." I've just never gone back, and no one's asked why not, which sort of cements my outcast feelings. However, I've never yet had the gumption to address any of this directly, so I suppose I should avoid what is essentially putting words and motivations into other people's minds and heads. At any rate, my co-op teacher seems to like me, and I'm done in a month.

That's all for now, I suppose. In another entry I might list jobs I've applied for... but then again, maybe that's not kosher. I'm still a little fuzzy on the rules of a teacher having a public journal (there's a reason my personal journal is 99% protected). Maybe I'll post them in code.

video games are killing civilization.

During journal time today, one of my girls wrote "Wii went to the zoo."

I... there is nothing I can possibly add to that.

School musings, and another anecdote

*mutters* I must not rant about my employers in public places. I must not rant about my employers in public places. I must not rant about my employers in public places....*cough*

So, I'll restrain myself to a rant about the curriculum. Harcourt makes me want to scream. We're on Week 17 of the program (according to school schedules, not the saturday academy, that's only been going for 8 weeks), and the teacher script (who FOLLOWS teacher scripts? I ask you) is still trying to get me to say things like "The name of this letter is B. Say the name with me. Hold up different cards showing same letter This is upper case B. This is lower case b. What is the name of this letter?"
The script never changes, as far as I can tell. I'd think by week 17 the kids would be so tired of it that they'd be throwing things at the wall. Not to mention that I really feel like the kids should be able to recognize and name ALL the letters by mid-November. ugh.

So on to the anecdote. Our current "project," to run over 3 weeks, is on "careers." Five year olds, of course, have never heard the word, so I had to explain it -- as a job, what grown ups do for a living. We were supposed to get the kids to list off as many careers as they could, so I asked my girls "What do some grownups that you know do?" As always, without missing a beat, C (of "you want punishment" fame), responded "...smoke?" She then, once I had clarified my meaning, went into a five-minute ramble about how they worked for the water department, except if they didn't do a good job they got fired, and then they couldn't work there anymore, and then they had to look somewhere else until someone told them they could come work for them, and then they better do a good job so they wouldn't get fired again, and... (there were multiple repetitions and "ums" involved.) I had to cut her off at this point to get back to the issue at hand, but man, you gotta wonder what these kids are seeing.

Regional Teacher Dialect #1

New words and phrases I am coming across in Philly that I did not hear in NoVA.

pass, v. To walk down the hallway or stairs in a school, or to go from the hallway into a classroom. Usually used in the command form. (as opposed to: I really don't remember what teachers say in NoVA. I suppose "go" or "walk to the next stopping point" or something like that.)

prep, n. the period (not lunch) during which the students are not with their regular classroom teacher. (as opposed to: specials, or even simply the name of the class: health, art, music, PE, etc.)

Likewise, prep teacher, n. the teacher who supervises the children during this time. (as opposed to: the actual title of the teacher, ie. art teacher, music teacher.)

Modern Segregation

There is a White child in the class next door. (I'm currently student-teaching first grade in West Philly, as of 2Jan. my fifth placement, third viable, since July.) I stepped in to cover for a minute while H went to the bathroom, and there he was, sitting by himself at a table reading a story. I wasn't prepared for the level of shock I felt at seeing him there. Blonde hair (straight hair, more to the point), pale, the whole nine yards.
Now, I am White myself. Many of the teachers in the building are White. But this is the only unmistakably, unarguably WHITE child I have seen in the entire building in the three weeks I've been there.
At my previous placement in Northeast Philly, there were several White children -- none in my class, but they were there. It was a more diverse school in general, though -- Hispanic children, Black children, Asian children (primarily Chinese), Middle Eastern children -- my class had a substantial representation of each of these groups. Currently, my class is made up entirely of Black children of various shades, (some may have a White parent, but I've yet to meet one) as is the rest of the school. At NES (Northeast Elem School) about 2/3 of my children were registered ESOL (although only five received services at any given time.) I found out quite by accident yesterday at a meeting that WES (West Philly Elem School, where I am now) even HAS an ESOL program. Culture shock, what?
I've been struck more than once, walking the halls of WES, of the absolute and utter failure of school integration efforts. ONE child that I've seen is not Black (and H thinks he's the only one in the school.) There are plenty of White people living in West Philly, but I guess their children all go to the Friends schools. And on the one hand, I can't blame them -- C (my cooperating teacher) mentioned offhand today that 80% of the kids at WES tested at Below Basic on the last round of standardized tests. Most of my class is certainly not up to grade level (I am trying my darnedest to avoid using terms like "low" and "high," they just make me crazy for some not-fully-articulated reason). And I've heard stories about the upper grades.
But on the other hand, I can't bring myself to think that segregating the children is the answer. How will a struggling group improve with no exposure to anyone who isn't struggling? And how will White middle-class children ever understand these children (or vice versa) if they don't get to know them and play with them? Argh.
Much as it speaks to the Inherent Racism of the System (tm) what these neighborhood schools really need is some White parents who are willing to get involved enough in their children's education to actually enroll them in a public school and try to ensure that they actually get a good education out of it. Pissed-off White parents would probably get some results.
I guess the test will be what I do when I have my own children. Or, honestly, what I do when the time comes for job searching. I really want to teach in an urban public school, for the sake of principle and of actually doing something worthwhile, but I just don't know if I can handle it. Honestly, the idea of having a classroom of my own is frightening, and the concept of being steamrollered by a group of preadolescent urban children (whose lives have conditioned them to be much tougher, in as many senses of the word as I can think of, than I am even now) is way too imaginable. First graders I can handle. My previous class of second graders I didn't have much trouble with. But third and up is a worrying idea -- all the more aggravating, because in my previous life as a substitute teacher in suburban DC, I really enjoyed third graders.
Sometimes I wonder if a one-year teacher education program can really prepare someone to teach. On the other side of the coin, of course, is the aggravation and low-grade frustration and boredom I would probably have had to deal with in any longer program. And Penn is a well-respected program, so I suppose they must be doing something right.
Well, we seem to have rambled completely away from the subject. Further bulletins as events warrant.

First Post -- Two Stories

I am terrible at starting new blogs. (Ew, what an icky word.) So, I will start off with two short anecdotes from the Saturday Academy at which I am currently teaching a three-child (all girls) Kindergarten class in West Philly.

1.) We are primarily a literacy program, so we start every day with the alphabet. Say the letter, say the sound, say a word that starts with that sound. "A-aah-apple. B-buh-boy." and so on down the list. We have letter cards, but they aren't illustrated, so I have to rely on the children to remember from their regular Kindergarten classes what the words are that they use. I repeat it on a slight lag with them, hoping they won't notice. The first time we did this, one of the little girls -- more advanced than her peers, incidentally -- got all the way down through U, and then let out with "V-vuh-Value Village!" I was, by turns, impressed and reminded that I am now living in a Completely Different World than the one I grew up in.

2.) On the subject of the latter of these impressions, last week I read the girls The Cat in the Hat for our midday story time. We got 2/3 of the way through the story -- it's raining, the children are bored, in comes the Cat, the Fish complains, the Cat wreaks havoc, the Fish yells, the Cat brings his Things and they wreak more havoc -- and then we get to the line, "And I said, I do not like/The way that they play. /If our mother could see this,/Oh, what would she say?" And another little girl -- below level, incidentally, she's really in first grade -- came back, without missing a beat, with "You want punishment."
It would have been funnier if I hadn't heard her mother yelling at her at breakfast that morning. ("Sit down! I oughta beat your behind!") It was still pretty funny though.